I have had a million ideas for a blog but there is so much going through my mind that I can’t even keep up with it so I get stuck and don’t write. For example, these were all my thoughts today.
Things are gonna be bad if that cop who killed Floyd doesn’t get prison time. What’s gonna happen? Am I prepared?
Then I start thinking about racism and I don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced racism a couple of times with friends who are black, so I know racism exists but I never noticed it was as bad as it’s being made out to be. Then I think about how after the election it calmed down and disappeared. Was it planned? Is it just creating more hate?
Then I smell a bonfire and wish I had a backyard again. I miss my old house, I miss having bonfires and having people over. I was like the mom of the neighborhood. I took kids in when they needed help and talked to them about Jesus and how much he loved them. I know I was loved and they knew I loved them but for some reason I took off and moved one day. I think I needed a break but now I regret it.
Then I think about one of my best friends who passed away a few years ago and I think she is the reason I moved. There are so many different memories with her. We met at a Christian recovery group and God told me one night to write my address on a piece of paper, so I did and stuck it in my pocket. During prayer group she confessed that she was staying in her car, that she just left her abusive boyfriend and I knew at that moment that the address in my pocket was for her.
Then I hear, Into The Mystic (Van Morrison), and remember watching this movie with my mom and they played this song in it. I just remember it being a really happy time in my childhood. Then I start thinking about my childhood…
Then I scroll through FB and post about this God forsaken vaccine, getting mad all over again. I stop myself and say no “not today”.
Then I stopped at a store in the state I work in and had to wear a mask cause they are hard core with it and I am frustrated and just want to get this trip over with. I should have gone in my state where I have already established that I won’t wear a mask to appease you. What if I took this mask off? What would happen? would I get arrested? Would someone scream at me and let me know I am a murderer for not wearing one?
On my way home I start thinking about my past. Whenever the weather starts getting warmer I start to yearn for things of the past. I yearn for flesh against my flesh. I yearn to be young again. Yet, that was the most empty time of my life. Yet, the yearning isn’t as intense as it has been in the past, I have grown…
Then I get home and I sit on my porch and think about how much God loves me. He has me in a perfect spot. My patio is in the corner away from everyone and there are trees right in front of me. I get to listen to the birds sing and look at God’s beautiful creation. Everywhere He has taken me, has been the perfect spot. Then I get chased off the porch by a bee that has arrived to build his hive.
So as you see I think a lot, I think about deep things back to back and I get lost in it. Every thought brings new feelings and I need to work through them and it all happens so quickly. I heal through it moment by moment and see how much I have changed in so many ways but still it’s too much to write about.
So, what do you think I should focus on? What do you want to hear about?