The Struggle

If you were to see Jesus, what would you say?

I opened my Bible app and this was the first question that I saw. I stopped reading at that point and have been thinking about it, “what would I say”?

I would love to say that I would fall into his arms for the greatest most comforting hug ever but… My first actual thought was that I would fall to my knees and cry because I feel shameful about my sin. That led to “would I even make the rapture”?

I know that I am really close to God, we have a very intimate relationship. We also have a very open relationship. This relationship has helped me to become more open with others which helps them to be open with me. I see the fruit in my life and the ripple effect it has on others lives.

I am someone others seem to trust right away. Strangers will just start sharing their life story with me, pain and all. I believe that they sense my character, they see my vulnerability and feel safe. They sense God’s presence coming from within me, they are drawn to the light inside of me. Yet, I question if I will make the rapture? Why?

As I thought about this, I realized that I think a big part of it is that I grade my sin. There are sins that I consider little and others big, I give them a grade which tells me how much shame to feel.

Some things I see wrong with my thinking are that…

  1. Jesus died on the cross because we are sinners and always will be, so he sacrificed himself for us so that we won’t suffer. This also gives us access to forgiveness for the ways we go against him.
  2. God says there is no condemnation for us, yet I am condemning myself with my grading scale of 1-10
  3. God says hate is murder, therefore again grading is pointless, sin is sin to him.

Okay, so I will always be a sinner and shame (feeling bad) comes with the territory. In order to rid myself of the shame I am told to confess it and turn from it. Maybe this is where my worry really comes from. Am I trying to turn from the sin that I am aware of?

Acts 3:19 Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord.

Yes, I know I have been turning little by little all these years but does God give us a time limit on how long it should take? Not that I am aware of. So, maybe that should be my focus.

As long as I am struggling that means I am trying and God looks at our hearts, so maybe I will be just fine when he chooses to come back. What do you think?

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