John 1:5 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
I don’t even know where I am going to go with this blog, and I feel it’s going to be a long one.
I usually only write when things are good but they aren’t right now… It’s not like it’s the first time things have been tough, but I usually don’t share until the change has come. You see, with God there are these times that we come to know as the dessert. It’s a dry place where you struggle, you don’t sense His presence and you may feel (like I do) that I am doing everything wrong. But then it seems like out of nowhere, everything you went through comes to fruition and you are filled with pure Joy and Peace. This is what keeps me going, that Hope of knowing that this will pass.
Every Summer I seem to go through this slump, where I crave being able to do the things I used to without conviction. People have said this is because the nice weather brings things out of us that other seasons don’t. But I have really questioned this in my life and I believe that I relate it to bad things that have happened in my life. Summer is the season when I feel I need to numb most, and when my desire for being desired is stirred up.
I feel like I start to let God down even though Scripture tells me that He loves me so much and just believing in the sacrifice he made is enough. He will let me do my thing, get angry and feel like I am falling apart yet take care of me during it and bless me abundantly after. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am betraying Him like Judas did.
I have actually seen His blessings in my life and His love since I was saved (they were always there, I just didn’t see them then) and yet I crave what brought me to Him in the first place. The things I crave made me miserable yet I want them back at times. I don’t understand, other than in that moment its gone.
The only thing I can think of is that the nicer months used to be my favorite growing up and now the memories I have (that should bring me happiness) bring me sadness. I remember being outside all the time at the park, learning how to ride a bike, my parents had people over, and I remember them sitting outside at night talking while we played ghosts in the graveyard. But that fatal night when I was changed and my innocence was taken, everything changed. My mom went from what I remember, to someone filled with despair. Even though she did nothing wrong, she felt the pain deeper than I did. Life can kick you ass at times but you may not be the blame.
Ever since then, the sun on my face and the crickets chirping have brought me pain.