No Numbing…

God’s ways are mysterious to me. To fully explain how the Spirit takes over once you surrender is impossible.

I have tried to surrender myself so many times, but I was only going through the motions with a small piece of my heart attached. I have wanted to give Him my whole heart but only in my mind.

Recently while reading Romans something happened and I surrendered my heart to Him in a way I never had in this specific area of my life.

God had shown me all that would change, so long ago and He has proven Himself to be honest and true to His Word. I have changed from deep within over the years becoming this new person, a person I didn’t even know existed. This strong woman who can stand her ground and has grown to love herself. Yet, there is a part of me that still holds onto an old comfort.

Drinking for me has changed. It went from a lot to a little, but it was still there. Just a few beers can do the job of numbing past pain and it has been stopping Him from setting me free. I finally realized that I am weak and can’t do this on my own. I have stopped making excuses and justifying my use. In my life, a little is too much.

So I surrendered. I feel like it is a struggle from within, like I am being pulled from one end to the other, but this time the Spirit is winning. A small part of me still wants to numb but now a larger part of me wants to heal.

I sit and sadness comes upon me out of no where. A tightening of my chest while my body trembles. I ask God why, what is happening? I just want to get rid of it, numb it. But instead I think and write. I start to cry the kind of cry that makes you gasp for breath. I tell Him I just want somebody to hold me and let me cry. I don’t want them to fix me, I just want to cry and trust and have someone listen as I speak these toxins out from deep within.

Then the shaking stops, the tension in my shoulders and chest are gone and the tears dry up, I can breathe more clearly than I did before.

I know this is painful at times, I have been through it in other areas of my life, but healing is what sets us free and brings us new life. This will be a journey to remember and joyful when over. I will be a new and stronger me.

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