Before my last experience with God there was another one that I didn’t tell you about.
I was confronted by a couple of Christian brothers in my Bible study and they said that I was operating in a works/performance type of mentality. Not for my Salvation but in order to produce fruit. Of course I told them they were wrong and then God revealed to me that it was true.
God showed me that 2 years ago, when He started my healing, through counseling, talking with Him and many tears, that I put a wall up to Him and His power. As my old pain came up it felt like reality to a point, and I was angry with Him and scared to keep feeling the past. This wall was only a partial wall but enough to take much of my Joy, purpose and peace. But then, when He showed me that I turned to my old ways of perfection and performance in order to feel some sense of control in my life, I saw what my brothers in Christ were seeing in me. And all the sudden the anger and pain were gone. I am through that part of my healing and I am free from the bondage that it held me in. The emotional bondage and the addiction to smoking which is what I used to somehow comfort myself.
I had been trying to quit smoking for 4-5 years and every time I failed. I worried about dying young and I worried about my witness. I have prayed for God to make me hate it and deliver me from it because another brother told me that this is what he prayed for when he wanted to be delivered and one day he woke up and he was done.
So finally, I was freed from it. It has only been 2 weeks but it feels like it’s been a life time. The reason I know it is different this time is because when the thought comes, it isn’t this gripping anxiety (stronghold) which I try to overcome with menial prayer and quick intentions, which is really doing it in my own power. Now I can actually take a deep breath and really process my thoughts. The urge is then gone within minutes. The hold is gone. One day I woke up… and hated it. When I see someone smoking I don’t want one, when I smell it I don’t like it and when I am around it all I can think about is how my eyes are burning. I am completely free.
I bought a ring to represent this new freedom. This ring reminds me of my commitment to God and His love for me. I truly feel like His bride now. A bride that can trust her husband and put her life in His hands. To me this is a huge commitment that I wasn’t willing to make in the past. The power of the Holy Spirit can once again take over and I keep reminding myself that I can’t transform myself. All I have to do is pray, practice turning and wait for deliverance of sin in my life.