If you read my last post you know that I am supposed to fast the next couple of days. I have been so excited about it because I know it will bring my next step in my walk with God, but now I am starting to freak out.
The thought of leaving certain things behind the rest of my life is so scary. I have been so dependent on some things for over 20 years that thinking about never having them again feels like being suffocated, I feel like the walls are closing in. In the morning I won’t have access to my computer either, so I won’t even be able to blog. I will actually need to use paper and pen to journal (: That seem so funny to me because that is all there used to be.
My life is about to change a lot and even though I know every step I take with God is so much more amazing than I can even imagine it is still unknown. I remember when I was first saved and I went through this identity crisis because I was losing the person I used to be yet I still hadn’t found who I was in Christ and it was a horrible feeling. I guess that is what it’s feeling like right now. I know who I am in Christ more now than I did then, but I am still becoming a new creation and the unknown is freaking me out.
I am still losing my old self, my old identity and anytime you lose a piece of your identity it is scary even though God brings those jewels up from within you. Those jewels are pieces of your true identity that you didn’t know existed and they are transforming, yet I resist them. It’s amazing how much our flesh or natural desires keep us in the same comfort zone, even though it is a really bad experience, because it is what we know. The enemy is so slick we don’t even realize he is there. We try for that picket fence life and it ends up falling apart because we don’t seek God’s guidance because we think we know better.
Anyway, I am really scared and I am starting to panic so please pray for me. I guess this is a good sign because I am not panicking because I am out of work but because I am about to change again, change for the better. That means God is true to His word and all I have to focus on is Him and me.