It hurts to do the right thing….

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

When I started a relationship with God in 2010 I went in with both feet. I ran after Him and the things that He wanted me to do in order to become the person He created me to be.

When we live our lives on our own making our own decisions and experiencing so much pain because of them, we become someone we weren’t meant to be. We have walls up that weren’t meant to be there. It is impossible to experience a fully intimate relationship when you have a guard up. You live a lifestyle that isn’t really yours. That lifestyle comes from numbing/ignoring the pain and living around it in order to hide it from the world and yourself.

I was doing really good letting God heal me and as I did I became stronger and walls went down. But the last year I have started to put a wall up with God again and had started to fall back into old patterns. I felt the distance between us and knew He was telling me to do certain things, yet I ignored Him because I didn’t want to listen.

The things He wants me to do are stop any addictions and to break off my relationship of 4 years. These are things that bring me temporary comfort and help me to just survive enough to make it through everyday. The reason I started to fall back into these comforts is because God has taken me into healing my deepest pain. It is scary to face that again and to let it go. But as I do I become stronger and see a little more of who I actually am. I am meeting myself for the first time in many ways. I like this new person but it takes sacrificing the person I thought I was for so long.

Anyway, I have been in this relationship for 4 years and it has been pretty dang good. Although we are both unhealthy and have healing to do, it was a relationship with a lot of love and compassion. Yet there is a co dependency because I know that no matter what he will accept me and love me. If I fail at being this new person he will stay. God helped me understand though, that when you want a healthy relationship you need two healthy people in order to attain that.

So I talked with him last night and shared this and he agreed and understood, another reason why I have loved him for so long. We know we both have work to do with God and healing, moving toward finding our real selves even more.

It still hurts though. We will grieve for a time but I know we will become stronger people because of our obedience to the LORD.

God tells us to do hard things because he wants us to live a full life. He has never once had me do something that didn’t benefit me, that didn’t protect me.

As I was crying on the way home last night He reminded me of the verse above and I truly believe that promise because I have already experienced it a few times in my walk with Him. I know that if we stay, the desires of each others hearts, God will reunite us one day but only if we delight in Him first. Because if we delight in God first then we will be healthy people for each other.

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