I have been doing a lot of difficult healing from things in my past. Pain that has been stuffed inside for so long has been covering up who I really was meant to be. I have been working with a Christian therapist and doing a lot of grieving. There are some days I just lay on my couch and cry. I thought it was depression until God showed me that it was grieving and normal.
Anyway, I didn’t realize what a positive impact it was making on me until last week.
Keep in mind that some of my problems in life have been going with the flow, never speaking up and defending myself or setting boundaries, never questioning anything and never planning ahead. I was simply a survivor.
Well I decided to start looking into getting another car. My original plan was to drive the one I have until it died and I had no choice. I do have a teenage daughter though and sharing the car has been a pain, there are already a ton of miles on it and small things are starting to go wrong with it, and I am in a position where I can actually do it right now.
So I started looking at cars on cars.com. As I was looking, this one car, my past dream car came up. It is a 2003 Monte Carlo in mint condition because it has had one owner who took extremely good care of it.
I remember about 10 years ago I drove one for a few days as a rental car and that just intensified the dream of wanting one. I remember how it felt to want it so bad and to go over every possible scenario of how I could get it, but finally realizing I couldn’t and probably never would.
This time though, I saw it and looked into it but also looked into 17 other cars because it no longer has the same hold on me. I searched reviews and Carfax reports. I then dwindled the number down to 8 cars with the Monte still in the running only because of the mileage and reports about it. I then took into consideration the year of the vehicles, mileage, and price. I decided to start with the Monte based on those reasons and also because it was at Stasek Chevrolet in Wheeling where I got my Cobalt, so I already trust them and know their body and service department are amazing.
I went to test it out and was amazed at the condition, it looks brand new and drove so nicely. I took it for the weekend had a couple friends check it out and they said most of the hoses and stuff under the hood looked brand new and the only issue was a creaking noise in the engine.
I was told by the dealer that I needed $1750.00 for a down and I only had $750.00 so I continued to pray about it and God brought the rest as a gift to me. This person who helped me mentioned that all they expected was to basically pay it forward in my life. I started having flashes of a time when I brought a woman who was in an abusive relationship into my home to help her get on her feet and at this time I was on unemployment and had no extra money yet managed to provide for her also. It was like God was reminding me of my faithfulness to help not only her but the others he has brought to me and now he was blessing me in this way also.
So now it was down to whether my credit was good enough to get it financed on my own. Last time I needed my parent’s to co-sign because I had a credit score in the low 500’s but I have been working on it.
It was worth it because I got approved.
Last thing was that creaking noise. I told them I wouldn’t buy the car if they didn’t fix it, so they wrote something up saying they would fix the noise in the steering column. I said “you don’t know if it’s in the steering column, I want it to say you will fix it no matter what”. So they changed it to say that they will fix the noise (: Another sign of my strength. In the past I would have been scared to say that or would have wanted that car so bad I wouldn’t have worried about possible future consequences.
I was so overwhelmed because of how responsible I have gotten and how strong. It is all because of God. I have trusted him and followed what he has wanted me to do in order to heal. All these great things about me were covered up by pain and I am now seeing them come up in me.
10 years ago the excitement and happiness would have been because of the actual car itself, the car would have gotten the glory, but that is the least of my Joy now. I am happy to have it but what it resembles to me now is God’s love for me and all the great things he is doing in my life and inside of me, to God be the glory.
He has helped me learn to not just survive but to plan ahead. I have been able to provide a car for my daughter to use and a second car so I am never stranded without one.
I thought about all these things and cried as I drove home in my dream car last night. I still can’t believe how he knew what car I wanted all those years ago yet he didn’t give it to me until he knew it wouldn’t be an idle to me. The meaning of that car is so different now.
His timing truly is perfect and I wouldn’t have it any other way…..