Numbers 14: 1-4 That night all the members of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. 2 All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, “If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this wilderness! 3 Why is the Lord bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn’t it be better for us to go back to Egypt?” 4 And they said to each other, “We should choose a leader and go back to Egypt.”
I have been feeling just like the Israelites lately.
God brought me out of my past to walk with him in freedom. Freedom from pain and destruction. He has healed me in so many ways and each time I get stronger and even more free from the bondage I was in, from the oppression in my life.
Now He is bringing me into a new season of healing, a season I have been wanting for a couple years and now that it’s here, I struggle with wanting to run back to my old comfort, the very things he took me out of.
I spoke in front of my Church this past Sunday and told them how I feel like the Israelites, part of me just wants to run back. I know though I never could fully go back, it’s not the same anymore, the things I know now have changed that. I could never find the satisfaction or numbing that I once found.
I am stuck in the desert, not wanting to move forward and not being able to move back. How long will I be here? I guess that is up to me and my willingness to walk forward with the Lord.
Thing is I know it can feel horrible or scary to move forward, but the Promise Land is on the other end. It may feel like it’s worse than what you were brought out of, but I think that is only because it isn’t what your used to. You can be comfortable with oppression or abuse because that is what you know and you have adapted to surviving it. The unknown, no matter how healthy it is, can be scary.
My boss shared this song with me a few weeks ago, before I knew any of this, so maybe it was God letting me know that He knew I would be here and that He is still with me, waiting patiently.