Death is knocking at her door!

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

So my grandma is dying, and it was only because of God that we found out. 

The family has been very distant over the years, seeing eachother on and off. So much hurt in the family, people unwilling to change and just love. So much lost time. So many lost memories.

Now everyone is like go see grandma as much as you can, love her. 

My mom said this morning, “at least call grandma if you can’t get there today, she is lonely and wants to talk to us”. I responded, “she should have been lonely her whole life”. 

I am having such a hard time right now, so much sadness because of the lost time. When we were around she consumed herself with papers and shopping, instead of just sitting down and visiting with us, mending things between her and her children. 

I know God is giving us time now, He has allowed her to be immobile, to appreciate what she could have had her whole life. 

Part of me doesn’t want to give her the time, I think it’s not fair, now I have to go see her on her death bed and get to spend time with her as I watch her die? Now she wants us around?

The other part of me, the good part where God is, says that this is a blessing and I can go to her and spend time, let go of pain, and read Scripture together and pray together etc. 

I can sit around depressed and sad wasting more time or I can take this opportunity to participate in what I always wanted.

God gives us the desires of our heart, just not always exactly how we wanted it.

Thing is she always wanted her grandkids around, she wasn’t so nice to my mom and uncle. I could have seen gram all these years, I chose to stay away, why? To pay her back for hurting my mom? Or because I wanted the whole family together, seeing her reminded me of the pain and distance in the family. So instead I chose to stay away, because it wasn’t exactly how I wanted it.

Grandma was blind, God has at least opened her eyes to what is important, which is family and spending time with them. Gram may still be blind to many things but this she sees now.

So am I going to have a hard heart and in a way get revenge by staying away or have a Godly heart and forgive and take the time God is allowing for us now?

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