Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
So my next step in healing has unfolded.
The time for me to say I am an addict has come, my fear of intimacy is still here, just better and at a new stage.
I can say I used to be an alcoholic, I smoked pot and msc random other drugs. When I came to Christ though, it all stopped for about a year, then slowly it came back in play. But this time I only drank maybe once a month and smoked pot randomly once in a while. I didn’t believe I was still an addict though, because of the time in between.
I saw an addict as a hard core drug user and an alcoholic as someone who drank just about everyday and until they were drunk. Being an alcoholic has nothing to do with how many times you drink, if you can’t stop til it’s gone there is a problem, if you only use when you are stressed you are an alcoholic. An addict isn’t just a drug user, it is anyone who is addicted to anything.
I have been thinking God has been telling me I am an addict still for a while, I even went to an addiction group once, but decided it wasn’t a group that would help me.
Well, Matt is back and I blogged about the power of alcohol and told what being an addict had done to him and how I hated alcohol now, I decided that day to quit for good.
Since I did this I have noticed that I am an addict. I am itching to partake again, I am battling it. I think about it. I can’t walk past it at the store, I can’t see it on television. My anxieties have kicked back up. I want to control, I want a perfectly clean home, I want all the answers to my life now, I want God to clarify things. I am scared to think about really never drinking or smoking again.
At Church this past Sunday a women introduced herself, she is a greeter. She was talking to me about being a greeter and mentioned somehow in the conversation counseling and how our Church doesn’t have an addiction program yet.
When Matt was visiting I was telling him how my intimacy issues aren’t gone. I didn’t want that lady to talk to me and I am so scared of doing something as simple as being a greeter.
Fear of intimacy is fear of letting people in. I didn’t understand though, I tell people my testimony all the time, what am I scared of someone finding out? Well, it dawned on me.
I had to come to terms with me being an addict currently. I have not gone through recovery yet and I have not said I am currently an addict. That was my secret and I didn’t even know it, it was a secret to my own self.
So now I have to admit I am not perfect still, I am imperfect. An addict’s mentality is perfection. I wanted to believe I was through all this stuff and could be the one on the other end now. That I could control my drinking. Now I have to admit that I am still going through this process.
I got defensive when Matt was sharing his views of me, but this morning I was reading Proverbs and the verse above hit me. I don’t want to be stupid. I was defensive not because what he brought up isn’t true but because how my mind works tells me that I have done no good, I have no Faith, I have not changed at all. I thought I can’t help anyone.
There is no grey area, it is black (a failure) or white (perfect). We are all in the grey area, all Christians should live in the grey area, we are imperfect, always will be yet we are not failures.
But I understand today, I do have Faith, I can help people, I have made great strides in all the above. I am just at my next step of sanctification. More of me is about to die and more of Christ is about to live.