Here we go again, sometimes life just sucks, and these are the times our Faith is tested. I am sharing my day so far for a couple reasons. For one I know God will come through and it will be cool to see how and when and the other reason is so I don’t do something I don’t want to like smoke a cig.
So today is my second day of not smoking again, yes, I quit again, but that’s the point we aren’t perfect but when we repent we get back on the horse and try again. Anyway, when I quit smoking I think the enemy starts to throw things at me seeing if you will still follow God.
I call these times the Job test. If you know Scripture you know God allowed Satan to test Job because of how confidant God was that Job would remain faithful to him, so Job was tested big time.
Well, like I said I quit smoking again. So today I am just trying to focus on anything but smoking, I am careful not to do anything that will trigger me like cleaning, drinking coffee, being on the computer to long etc, yes all these things are triggers and I am trying to minimize them to get through the first few days.
Well, checking the mailbox should have been on that list (:
I was already a bit worried because I finally got an interview, first one in almost a year, ridiculous I think, and I had to buy something to wear for it. This meant dipping into the food money. I bought the outfit and thought okay I can juggle this by dipping into the money I have saved for the water bill to get the rest of the groceries and just replace it next week. I know those living check to check can relate to this game.
So then I check the mail. First thing I open is a letter from Heaven’s school saying I was denied for a fee waiver because I make to much money, I had a good laugh because I am bringing home 20,000 a year right now, then I cried a little and thought it must be a mistake, but it never is. This not only means I will have to pay the school tuition but she won’t be able to take the drivers portion of drivers ed. I called them and they said the annual income for the fee waiver was changed to 19000.00 a year and I am a 1000 over.
Then I opened a letter from the state saying they were doing a modification review and want mine and Heaven’s dads income, this means that they will see he makes nothing right now and reduce his support which will lower what he is behind because they go back like that. So the support I am not getting already is getting reduced, another laugh, then a little tear. I have been screwed over so many times with the state working for me, I swear they really work for the one who doesn’t have the child.
So the last thing I open is the water bill, it was $150.00, I only budget $80.00 for that bill because by calculations we shouldn’t be using that much water. I called and told the lady there must be a mistake, I lived in a house with two more people and we didn’t even hit that many gallons a month. Well, of course the bill is correct and she asked if my toilet runs and I have to jiggle the handle, I tell her ya a couple times it has, she says that is probably the issue. Little does she know I am home all the fricken day because I can’t find a job and it has only happened a couple times.
So of course first thing that runs through my mind is screw it, go get some coffee and a pack of smokes, cancel your appointment for tonight and just cry and smoke.
Then I just cried and I told God I need you to help me, I don’t know how to take care of these things, I am trying, I don’t understand why I can’t get a job, I am a good worker and willing and ready etc. I told Him I needed Him because I am sick of caving in with this smoking.
I thought more clearly and analyzed it. Okay, so if I smoke I am spending more money and it isn’t reducing any stress it is just giving the illusion that it is. I can crumble and not do anything wasting more time or just roll with it trusting God will provide like He has been doing. So I chose to wait on Him and I said no for this moment to smoking. All I can do is moment to moment. All I can do is walk this path and if I do it with God I know everything will work out.
See being a Christian isn’t about not having problems, it’s about how you react to them.
Part of me is honored that God thinks I am so committed to Him that He allows these tests and part of me hates it.