Well it’s a new storm. I am going through healing and being restored. I met with a cousin who I haven’t seen in years, and we talked about our family. How sad. We have a messed up family history. I can see generational curses like crazy. We all have something to work on. Hope is, it will be broken with Heaven. She seems to be breaking the mold. Wow, God put my daughter here to be the one who breaks the mold in this family, she is the beginning to a new life, a new generation. Thank you God, I always tell her I see leadership abilities, it’s a gift (:
Heaven has been through a lot. I thought my life would be fixed by finding a man to take care of us and love us. Well I wasn’t totally off, Jesus is a man. Anyway, my messed up mind got in the way, my low self-esteem and self-worth. I always jumped into longer relationships with messed up, abusive men.
I always minimized the issue. I would say “it’s not that bad, I heard of worse”, “Heaven isn’t being abused”. Well truth is she was. I put her in situations to hear me fighting all the time with my boyfriend, in fear of them hitting me. How insecure was that for her?
Her dad wouldn’t come around for a year at a time and was an addict. Hmmmm, more insecurity. I put my daughter in a position of her feeling like she had to take care of me. I am so greatful that God changed that. The past few years, she has been able to be a kid again. She is a good girl. She does really well in school and has plans of going to college. God changed my life to make hers better. But, I had to be willing to do what He has been telling me to do, no matter how much it might suck in the moment, I faced a lot with Him and still am.
4 years ago I had to be in a relationship so bad, it was my air, my lifeline. Now I haven’t had a boyfriend in 2 years and I am good with that. God has shown me I can depend on Him and myself. Do you know what a relief that is. I depend on a Father who will never lead me in the wrong direction. I have been healing a lot, grieving at times, but becoming so much more peaceful and content in the Lord everyday.
I love crying, it is so cleansing. Like I just grieved about that whole thing with Heaven and some bad stories about family down the line. I have to grieve these things and then He takes the shame I feel from them and I am able to be an even better mom and person in general. God has shown me that I am capable of taking care of us. I love my new way of life. It is freeing and Joyous. Who doesn’t want the weight of guilt taken off their shoulder’s?
A lot of people it seems. People rather live in the lies of their lives than admit wrong and that they are sinners. In a way it’s like were telling God “I don’t need you, I got this, I will just minimize it until its seems better”. Life will go great thinking like that, everything will change, not.
It takes a real man to face his shortcomings and let God change them. The world sees a real man as a big, tough, good looking kinda guy that never shows his emotions. What the world is really saying is, ” I would like a man who works out, cheats on me, hits me at times, and mooches off me”. Is that not true? Girls always want the bad boy, Well girls, that’s what your asking for. If you don’t see how your being disrespected then your probably being abused (: Truth
No wonder we have so many men who abuse women and fight authority. We tell them if you submit your weak or if you cry your a little girl, we do this by media, movies, woman always dating the bad guys and even with our own mouth’s. Truth is we are all just messed up people, shoving our feelings down and becoming angry, bitter people. We need a Savior for sure.
Anyway, I am in the storm right now, but in my storm I am healing, repenting and getting stronger.
I know Jesus will hold my hand and calm the storm at some point. Do you know how much more I am going to change? There’s no way I couldn’t change, I just walked on water with Jesus while we calmed the storm together (:
If you really think about it we are always in storms. The difference is one person is in it alone and another is in it with God. It’s your choice.
I CHOOSE JESUS