The last few days have felt pretty brutal. I have been reading a book and God answered a question I have asked for a long time, why can’t I remember a lot of my life? I have found in this book that when people experience traumatic things in life they can disassociate enough to actually bring on partial or total amnesia, I have partial amnesia.
I thought the first thing I would work on was the traumatic events but God is first showing me my sin that I have blocked out. He showed me in a dream the first time I was with a woman (I didn’t think I ever was other than kissing), but Jesus was there with me. I felt horrible when I woke up, being reminded of something I blocked for a reason sucks, and I thought I perverted Jesus in my dream. I felt like garbage and thought I could never be forgiven for this dream. Luckily God has placed people in my life to support me and it was recommended that I read Psalm 139 (which I have read tons of times before) and Ephesians 1 (which I read to chapter 3). God met me in this Scripture in a new way today. He told me in Ephesians 2:22 that I am being built together, you have to dismantle something to rebuild it. He told me in Psalms 139:24 that He is searching my heart for any offensive way and leading me to everlasting life. He has also reminded me that He chose me to be his child before I was created by His hand and that I am forgiven but I have to remember things in order to repent of them.
Today I feel like I can breathe again and I am smiling and He is shining on my face through the window. In that dream I didn’t make Him impure, He was there with me because He knew it was going to be painful for me to remember. I wanted to hide from Him and did a good job of numbing myself naturally to where I didn’t even feel connected, but He still broke through and reminded me of how much he loves me.
Just know that no matter what you have done, God loves you and it might hurt to be rebuilt but it is so worth it. I know one day I will be healed of everything and feel newer each day until He comes back to get me.
I also saw how the sin we commit slowly kills our souls and brings us farther into our graves. I knew God rose Jesus from the grave so we could live, but He is also rising me out of my grave. He is also showing me how we can blame others for our choices because of things they have done or we can take accountability for our own actions. He is showing me that it is more beneficial for me to focus on my own sin. It feels better to focus on my wrongs and helps me somehow forgive others wrongs.
The pain we go through with God is refreshing, it brings new life. The pain we try to cover while becoming a slave to our sin never goes away and just brings more pain. I thought way back then that it was wrong to be with that girl but I was a slave to sexual sin and even though I cried myself to sleep many times over what I did I still was compelled to participate. Jesus broke those chains and freed me from it when I accepted Him as my Savior, now He is healing me and showing me why I was a slave so that I never again will fall into slavery.
God has shown me something I needed to face with his brutal honesty, but it has brought me closer to Him and shown me even more how I need Him, He reminded me in that honesty that He loves me no matter what I did. I feel more pure today than yesterday. Just know when you hear Jesus is the truth and the life, believe it. Don’t go on how you feel, cling to the knowledge of the truth, that is the only thing that kept me going this round. That is the only thing that will keep me going the next one.
Praise be to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the truth the light and the way.