I’m not good enough!!!!

Exodus 4:10 Moses said to the LORD, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

Man can I relate to the verse above, that’s what is so great about the Bible, there is always someone who you can relate to. We all can relate to someone or something in Scripture.

My mom always referred to me as a bull in a china shop, she is right, I have always been a bit rough and clumsy. I have so many things that run through my mind and I can see so clearly what to say and do, but then it comes out of my mouth all messed up.

I woke up today feeling so unsure of everything God wants me to do. I guess we have to have these days though, it shows me that I can’t do this without Him. It just feels like such a waste of time to spend my whole day battling my thoughts of being inadequate. There is so much work to do and I am so willing, yet I have to keep waiting, wondering if the only reason I am not doing more is my own doing. Am I slacking? Are my fears stopping the progress I should see?

Most of my days are full of peace and Joy but then sometimes they are like this. But even on these days I am doing better than I used to, usually I would just say “forget it”, only to get back on the horse the next day anyway. I would already be drunk and probably would have cried my day away going toward despair. Now since I have grown so much in my trust and faith in God I know I will wake up tomorrow in a better mood and with my focus back. I just have to get to the next day without screwing up today to much.

I have to remember that God mapped out every move I would make before I was even created, psalms 139 and Jeremiah 29:11. I have to remember all the miracles He has performed in my life so far. Just saying these things helps me have hope and focus again. One thing I would love to know, but might not until I am in Heaven is “Why if our lives are already planned out, is there free will”?

The plans He tells me He has for me do make sense in the God aspect because on my own there is no way I would even attempt them. God takes you into a world of new things that you couldn’t possibly ever see yourself doing and He helps you succeed in them giving you so many feelings of accomplishment. It just bites trying to get there at times.

I guess I just need to keep being patient knowing that I am moving as fast as God wants me to right now. I just look around at so many unhappy, lost people focusing on things that will never bring them peace or Joy and want to help them. I have so much to offer, I am willing to share all the things He has done in my life, but I have to wait.

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