False Confidence

 This is the enemies job, he leads you to a quick fix, it seems to give you confidence and you do things you wouldn’t normally do or have the courage to do, but those decisions don’t make a positive difference in your life and you actually wake up feeling worse about yourself and have to repeat the cycle. This finally takes such a toll on you that you are of no use at all to anyone. 

Ahhh, I remember the calm I felt while taking a hit and listening to some Floyd. It seemed like nothing else existed except that high, I could escape in the moment and just melt into the music and my fantasy that all was good with me.

unfortunately, it was only for the moment. As soon as I woke up I was back in my reality. Then I had to deal with my reality or get high again but only high enough to take the edge off so that I could still function. I prefered smoking over drinking because I could function. I can’t tell you how many Bible studies I attended high. One time I even showed up to sing on the Praise team hung over after throwing up all night, I said I had the flu. It was like I had to go though, I felt obligated because the other singer who was my daughter couldn’t do it all the sudden. I think it was God who made all this happen. It made me feel horrible because I should be in better condition to be there for my daughter and my commitments. This was all part of God’s plan, it was toward the end of my road before I accepted Him into my heart. I think He lets us go down the road that hurts us and other’s around us so that we can see there is no way we can do it without Him.

Anyway, back to things only making us feel better in the moment. The problem is you still have to come back to that reality or be messed up all the time, and how are you going to become anything in life if you can’t even think?

Now that I am letting God lead my life He is walking with me into acknowledging, grieving, and healing the things that I was trying to escape in the first place. It is not always easy, there is alot of tears, but it is so amazing to heal. It doesn’t drag out either, He takes you to it, you acknowledge it and then He takes it away. I can remember these things in my life but they no longer bring me down. If I still felt the shame I used to there is no way I could let people know the things I am writing.

When I thought about Christmas the other day and how we all try to scurry around and find material items to give family and friends, I thought about the gifts/blessings that God gives us. Yes, sometimes it is material things we want but most of all it is confidence, peace, Joy, mended relationships, and Love.  I much rather push through fears and pain and become the person I am than keep doing the same things over and over and keep hurting more and more. What He gives us is so worth every tear.

Instead of focusing on Christmas gifts this year my heart actually desires being there for people in their pain and celebrate their Victories with them. Material item’s will break or get old, but the Love of someone and a kind gesture will forever be etched in your heart.

God knit us together individually with our own path to take, a path that will change the world little by little. I get so excited every morning wondering how God is going to use me today. It’s like receiving gifts everyday. Every time  He uses me to help someone else I receive real confidence in myself and more Joy and happiness knowing that I am finally making a difference in people’s lives.  I am doing things that never crossed my mind or I never would have seen myself doing because of fears and substances holding me back.

Once Christ is your reality life will make sense, it will finally seem so clear to you what your purpose is. We are all missing the most important piece within us if we aren’t in a relationship with Him. That missing piece makes us feel disoriented in a way. We keep trying to find what is going to make us happy and feel like we are fulfilling a purpose, but it always fades and we have to try again. God knows the purpose you are to fill, He designed it, without Him you will always be searching.

Ask yourself this question. Do you want false temporary confidence that will drag you down or do you want real confidence that will bring you real substance free peace?

I hope you find the special gift of Christ this holiday season, I hope you see how He is present in your life right now drawing you closer to Him. I hope you see how your ideas of how to help yourself survive are dragging you down. Don’t think it is coincidence that you came across this blog, it’s Him (:

Colossians 2:17 These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.

Without Christ you will never know your reality



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