well I had a really good post done and somehow in the publishing adventure it got lost. So here I am again. Not as motivated as I was 3 hours ago, but I will give it another shot.
Words to explain me when I was a child would be shy, failure, the blame for everything, the cause for just as much, insecure and sad.
Then I found vodka, I remember my first drink was straight vodka from a clean pickle jar. Come on you think the kids parent’s had real glasses? Not when your the people we were. I was so hung over and sick for like 2 days, my mom called the doctor etc. Well, that didn’t stop me because it took away what was my reality. I continued drinking, found my new friend Bud (Marijuana), he was gentler than Vodka, I could remember what was going on and function without feeling all the pain and torment. Then I had this great idea that I could find a boy (that’s what they are at 16) and he would fall in love with me and take me away from everything and make me feel beautiful, oh and give me my purpose for living.
unfortunately my hormones and emotions kicked in. I slept with many of them hoping I would find him in the process. Come on you can’t date without having sex. It’s not a big deal anyway is it?
So let’s recap. I was insecure and in pain, so I start to drink and sleep around trying to fix it. What actually happened was I put myself in more pain with all the heartbreak and feeling used and made myself even more insecure, thinking what is wrong with me that nobody wants to have a relationship with me?
Well I didn’t know how to actually change my course of action. Drinking, drugs and men were my only hope, my only way out. I had to be rescued. I had dropped out of school and had a baby. I wouldn’t find anything that actually paid.
Kept this up until I was 33, then I came to my all time low. I woke up next to his female neighbor. I know I went to this guys house to sleep over like usual, it was an understanding we had, and I got wasted, can’t remember anything and woke up next to her.
I went home and broke down right in my car. It was a cry so deep in my soul I could feel it. I screamed out to God and told Him I needed Him. I didn’t understand why or how to stop. Well, let’s say He answered and still is to this day. I love my new strength and confidence. I love being loved. That man I was looking for was Jesus Christ. He doesn’t hurt me, He is gentle. I trust Him with my life. I know what Life and Joy really are now.
Through His life we find ours!!!!
I am writing this blog because God has laid it on my heart. Maybe He has someone He wants to read it so they know they aren’t alone. We have all done some pretty shameful things, but He takes the shame away and replaces it with Life. He is also doing it for me and to show me something new, that I didn’t think I was capable of doing. I love when He does that stuff (:
As a Christian, part of our mission is to spread the Gospel message, but on a personal note, He mapped out a special path and special road just for you to follow.
Psalm 139 is perfect to explain how he made a path just for you, He took his time to make your perfect life for you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
As a Christian it is also our goal to be honest. This shows people that other’s have the same feelings and have made the same choices. We can learn from each other’s honesty.
I am excited to share the actual day in the life of a person who is walking in the light of the mighty Lord and our Savior Jesus Christ.